Just a Sliver of Light
by PapayaK
Summary: A character study - A series of drabbles and double drabbles based on the episode 'Many Happy Returns' (season 1 Episode 21). (Includes some references to other season one eps.) They sort of follow each other, but are far too disjointed to be considered a story.
1. Chapter 1

A character study - A series of drabbles and double drabbles based on the episode 'Many Happy Returns' (season 1 Episode 21). (Includes some references to other season one eps.) They sort of follow each other, but are far too disjointed to be considered a story.

I do not own Person of Interest - I make no profit from this.

oO0Oo

 **Just a Sliver of Light  
** by PapayaK

oO0Oo

John's soul was a very dark place. Had been for a very long time.

Once it was not so – Once there were only shadows. Shadows that fluttered – that grew as he went on missions and faded when he came home to Jessica.

 _Jessica_. His Sun – the Gentle Breeze that chased the shadows away. That made him laugh, freely and without restraint; that made him happy - hopeful.  
Jessica – the Light that kept the darkness at bay.

But the shadows grew. They became harder to dispel with each passing mission. And there was so much time away from the Sun, away from her.

The Sun should not be shrouded. It should be free. It does not deserve to have the weight – the responsibility of chasing shadows – of fighting the darkness.

Fighting the darkness was _his_ job. Not hers.

So he set the Sun free. He let it shine unfettered by shadows.

Or so he thought.

oO0Oo


	2. Chapter 2

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But then he walked in the darkness.

And then he _became_ the darkness. He became a monster.

And because he became the darkness, he wasn't there to save the Sun. He wasn't there to save Jessica.

The Sun went out. There was only darkness. There was only the monster.

He waited for the darkness to end, but not in the light of dawn. He waited to die. He thought of ways to die. He _would have_ died except his skills intervened – almost of their own accord - and kept him alive.

But then?

A strange, sad, secretive, genius-billionaire appeared. Harold handed him a match and suggested that if… _if_ he chose to light it maybe… just possibly the darkness wouldn't be quite so heavy.

So he did.

And he learned that he was not _all_ darkness, as he'd been told – taught – trained. There _was_ a sliver of light.

He was only _mostly_ monster. The darkness still held sway. He would _never_ _be_ a 'good man.'

But Harold had given him a light.

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	3. Chapter 3

oO0Oo

John would never believe that the light had been there all along - that he'd just needed to be reminded.

But that's what Harold had seen as he'd watched… studied… analyzed the former soldier-turned-agent who'd become burned spy.

He had seen that the only thing John had ever wanted to do was protect.

" _Why me?" (Reese)  
"I've been watching you for a long time, John." (Finch)  
…_

" _I don't think you need a psychiatrist… or a support group… or pills…" (Finch)  
"What do I need?" (Reese)  
"You need a purpose."_

It had been Harold's actions that had nearly _snuffed_ the flame: Harold's machine had sent him on missions. Harold's laptop had led him to Ordos. And therefore it was ultimately Harold's actions that had kept him from reaching Jessica in time.

So now it was Harold who came and reminded him the the fire still burned; Harold who gave him back part of what he had lost.

oO0Oo


	4. Chapter 4

A/N - thanks for reading! - Papaya

 **oO0Oo**

The Light burned. It was tiny but it was fierce and it was bright and it was fueled by _all_ that had come before it.

oO0Oo

John had thought _maybe_ the others had caught a glimpse. Finch especially, but Carter, even Fusco had seen the actions fueled by the Light. _His_ actions. Light from the darkness.

John wondered whether Finch fully understood what he had given the darkness.

John had thought he did… until the monster inside him reared it's head…

" _I feared that with this case, you had certain sensitivities. I thought it best to let you sit it out." (Finch)_

 _..._

"What will you do Mr. Reese?" _(Finch)_  
"Show him what a real _monster looks like."_

 _..._

" _If you come after her again- I will kill you. No one will be able to protect you from me. Do you understand?" (Reese)_

John wondered if he'd been wrong. Maybe when they looked at him all they saw was a monster. Maybe they were right.

" _I can't allow you to just execute people." (Carter)_

When John heard her words, he understood instantly what they meant. He knew _intimately_ the helpless horror of feeling responsible for something because you were unable to prevent someone else from doing it.

" _This isn't on you… It's on me" (Reese)_

He would never allow Carter to feel responsible for the actions of the monster.

He _could have_ protested her accusation that he would allow the monster to kill in cold blood.  
Instead he protected her.

" _There are things you can do, Detective, and things you can't. And that's where I come in." (Reese)_

Sometimes the monster was needed; a useful monster with skills that helped them fight the darkness.

And maybe that's what he was after all.

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	5. Chapter 5

oO0Oo

" _Get out." (Reese)  
"Excuse me?" (Finch)  
"Leave the laptop. Now, Harold. And get out."_

Had he frightened Harold?

Part of him hoped so. Part of him wanted Harold to remember just who he had hired. It wouldn't be safe for Harold to get too comfortable in the presence of the monster.

Part of him hoped not. Harold was the closest thing he'd had to a friend in a very long time and he was loathe to lose that. Plus he _owed_ Harold. Owed him more than he could _ever_ repay.

Part of him simply didn't care. Jennings was the target. Sarah needed the monster. It would simply be easier - better - _safer_ if Harold wasn't a part of what was about to happen.

oO0Oo

" _What exactly is your plan…?" (Finch)  
"Finch- you hired me to take care of these things. You don't like how I do it? Hire someone else." (Reese)_

He had been angry – tightly _controlled_ , but angry. He had _been_ Anger. He was angry at Jennings, of course – at men who hid who they really were until they got home. If he could, he would go after them all. But he was also angry with Finch who (he believed) did not - at the moment - trust him.

oO0Oo

It wasn't that Finch _didn't trust_ _him_ with Sarah's case. Finch had tried to keep the case from John because he _did_.

When her number had come up and Finch had realized what it meant, he'd felt his heart sink for John. He'd known this day would come eventually. These types of numbers came with sickening regularity.

He also remembered the man who'd bumped into him in a hospital hallway. He remembered a man who was barely hanging on; a man who'd been stretched and torn and broken by everyone and everything he'd trusted; a man who had just lost the one thing - the _only_ thing that had still _mattered_.

Finch remembered what that man had done that night - and how that night had affected John.

It wasn't that Finch _didn't_ trust him, _he did_.  
Finch was _afraid for_ him _– worried_ about him.  
It had been so long since someone had done that, John could no longer recognize it.

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	6. Chapter 6

A/N - Just a reminder that this is set in season 1 - specifically the episode 'Many Happy Returns.' This is my take on who John was early in the show. Some things have changed… some haven't.

oO0Oo

Mostly John was angry with himself. He had allowed himself to hope that they would trust him. He shouldn't have done that. He had _no right_ to expect that. No reason to hope.

He knew that.

They were right. He was a monster and he always would be. Knowing that they saw the monster didn't hurt him. It was true and he'd accepted it a long time ago. But there was a tiny part of him that wished… that hoped… that one of them would see something more. That one of them would take a risk and trust a monster.

" _All I'm asking for is your trust." (Reese)  
"What? For you to do the right thing?" (Carter)_

What was 'the right thing?'

John was quite certain that 'the _right_ thing' would be to put Jennings in the ground. It would be an easy thing for the monster to do. But he knew that wasn't Carter's 'right thing' – nor was it Finch's – nor was it what a 'good man' would do.

Because of the Light, he would not allow the monster to do _'the right thing' -_ not as he saw it.

This discrepancy forced him to tell her instead _'that I'll do what needs to be done_.' And he hoped as he sped away into the night that she would trust that he could still control the monster –

That he could still see the glimmer in the darkness.

oO0Oo

" _All I'm asking for is your trust."_

oO0Oo

As he drove through the night and long into the next day he considered: at the end of his journey, when his task was complete, perhaps he would ask his friend Gus to let Carter know that he had controlled the monster.

It was important to him that she know.

oO0Oo

He was Darkness. But there was a Light.

Just a sliver of light.

The tiniest glimmer.

But it was bright and it was fierce and it was fueled by _all_ that had come before it.

oO0Oo


	7. Chapter 7

A/N This chapter is more of a missing scene from the episode and is mostly from Finch's POV.

oO0Oo  
Finch  
oO0Oo

Finch worried that he would never see his friend again. He knew that John could easily disappear - even beyond Finch's ability to track him. But then - the next day, he'd found a trace.

Finch had tracked John's location, and wondered why he was allowed to. He did not, for one moment, think that John had simply forgotten, or that he'd made an error.

Finch watched as he travelled, nearly without pause, over 2300 miles from New York to Mexico, and understood that John was allowing him to see. Every time there was a brief pause in the journey, Finch got to work. He found the cheap hotels - hotels that charged by the hour because that was as long as John had stayed at any of them. He'd read the police reports about escalations, and then arrests in various drug wars.

At first Finch hadn't understood the part the drugs would play. Was it a coincidence? A crime John had witnessed and felt compelled to stop? It seemed unlikely. Especially when it happened more than once.

Finch read the police reports and quickly saw that local law enforcement was stymied. They'd been after these drug dealers for weeks - sometimes months - only to have them suddenly gift-wrapped? The criminals were found, usually worse for wear, and in possession of the minimum amount of drugs to get a conviction. The rest of the cocaine was missing.

Finch couldn't imagine a purpose for which John would need large quantities of illicit drugs.

He became especially concerned when, in a relatively small town in southern Texas, an overachieving forensic scientist found blood at one of these crime scenes that did not belong to one of the criminals. She could not place the DNA, but Finch could. John had been injured. How badly, he had no way of knowing.

Finch worried. His friend had now been awake for well over 48 hours and they were not restful hours. They were hours he'd spent searching for Sarah and fighting with Jennings. They were exhausting hours spent driving endless miles only to pause and handle drug dealers, one of whom had succeeded in wounding him. But John had gotten back in his car and continued south.

He had not stopped again until he'd reached the Torreone Penitentiary and that was the moment Finch finally understood.

He pondered, as he had many times before, how a man who had seen so much evil, participated in so much evil, been betrayed, lost those he loved, experienced such darkness… How could John still see the good in the world - still _contribute_ to the good in the world?

He'd known from the beginning that he would never truly be able to empathize with John. He could never really grasp everything the man had been through - suffered - done. But he understood John far better than the man suspected. They had far more in common than John knew and Finch hoped he would remain ignorant.

He'd known saving Sarah would be a difficult time for John - but he had not anticipated the lengths to which John would go to see this through. He now realized that nothing would have kept John from reaching her in time. _"Leave the laptop, now, Harold, and get out."_ Nothing would stop John from making certain that Jennings would never hurt anyone again. _"He had his chance… He didn't take it."_

oO0Oo

When he saw the small red dot that was John stop outside the penitentiary, Finch closed his eyes and then stared down at his hands.

Jennings could not have been stopped by the usual legal methods of the NYPD. But John would not simply kill him either. How do you stop a man like Jennings? By incarcerating him in a remote Mexican prison with enough drugs to keep him there for many, many years.

Finch felt convicted. Was there more he could have done to support John? Was there anything he could do now?

oO0Oo

After the penitentiary, John's trail had abruptly gone cold. Finch couldn't find him. For days he took care of the numbers as best he could on his own, and occasionally with the help of their detectives. He wondered if John would ever return and he worried. He did not know how serious John's wounds were. He checked every hospital between New York and Torreone for John's aliases and for John Does. Then he checked every morgue. There was no sign of John. But then again, he hadn't really expected there to be.

Six days later, John's phone suddenly became active. Finch's busily typing fingers paused when the app he'd set up to watch for it finally pinged. Here. In New York. Near Queensbridge Park.

John had returned.

He closed his eyes for a moment in utter relief. Then he gathered up his coat and went to meet his wayward employee.

oO0Oo

He turned and watched closely as John approached the park bench. He was looking for a limp - any sign that John's health was not what it should be. He didn't know how badly his friend had been injured.

And he never would.

" _I was beginning to wonder when I was going to hear from you again." (Finch)  
"I had some business to take care of out of town." (Reese)_

 _..._

" _I trust you now fully appreciate why I couldn't tell you about Sarah's case." (Finch)_

" _I hope you now understand why you should have." (Reese)_

oO0Oo


	8. Chapter 8

" _I can see inside that you're a good person… You're a good man." (Andrew Benton)  
"Good? Ha… I lost that part of myself a long time ago… Not sure if I can find it. Not sure it matters anymore. Maybe it's better this way. Maybe it's up to me to do what the good people can't" (Reese)_

oO0Oo

" _In the end, we're all alone.  
And no one's coming to save you." _

It was a precept by which John had lived for many, many years.  
It dictated his thoughts, his feelings, his actions.  
It made things simpler in the end.

oO0Oo

John didn't need them to understand. (They did - at least as much as they were able.)

He didn't need their trust. (They trusted him with their very _lives_.)

He had become sufficient in himself. (He didn't have to be - not anymore.)

And if he wasn't exactly delighted with who he was – he had, at least, accepted it.

oO0Oo

Harold had given him a light.

John held the match – the sliver of Light.

And he let it burn.

oO0Oo

" _What is it you're gonna do?" (Sarah)_

" _Make it so you don't have to be afraid anymore." (Reese)_

oO0Oo

END

A/N/ Thank-you SO much for reading! If you've stuck with me to the end, please leave a review and tell me what you thought. - Papaya


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